| what's left and who needs it anyway |
[Apr. 4th, 2004|08:05 pm] |
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so here i am. i no longer want to have anything to do with the internet, half my drama has been caused here. i just want to dissapear for a while and leave this place, but i can't. the best that i can do is take myself out of people's lives... at least for a little while. who knows, i might wake up tomorrow and feel totally different. all i know is... i need to have some time to heal and some time to figure myself out right now. so i won't be writing for a while. thanks everyone for your support, all the comments have made me smile. |
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| lonely as ever |
[Mar. 26th, 2004|11:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | out of control-hoobastank | ] |
i hear them in the background. my roomies and their friend(s). the laughter and the fun. the love that amber and grace shares, it reminds me of how lonely i am. i have this annoying habit of shutting everyone out when i'm depressed, but i don't know of any other way to rid myself of it. it's hard losing someone you love so much, someone you care about with all your heart. it's even harder knowing that you hurt them and there's nothing you can do about it. everything just seems so hard these days. i think i should keep to just friends or girlfriends. it never seems to work out if my best friend becomes my girlfriend or if my girlfriend suddenly just becomes my best friend. there's too much attachment from the other relationship you had with the other person that it just doesn't work. or perhaps it's just me. i dunno how i'm going to get through this. i've lost my best friend and my lover all in the same day. i know she doesn't consider me as her lover, but i think of her as more than just a good friend. i feel so broken, so weak. all i can do is think about her arms wrapping around me... then i envision her kissing someone tomorrow night at their party, realizing she doesn't really love me like she says she does. i just need to be strong this time and pull through for myself. i was almost over once, i can get over it again... i just thought that maybe this time i had found the one. i loved her so much. but i do have to say.. thank you natasha for spending time with me. it was the greatest time of my life. |
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| cuz it feels so empty without me |
[Mar. 26th, 2004|07:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | without me-eminem | ] |
shit i am so screwed. i have no trucks to move my shit, but i do have my car. hopefully tomorrow michelle will be able to help me out for at least an hour so we can get the big stuff in the apartment.
shit shit shit.
oh well, just more work for me that's all... just the way i like it. hopefully everything will be ok by the end of the fucking week. almost done packing so that's one step closer to focusing on myself.
i just wish i didn't have to break my promise. it's something i never do, but i really have no choice at this point. at least, for now. maybe after a year or so we'll be ok one more time. |
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| thoughts of the night |
[Mar. 25th, 2004|03:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thirsty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | everything you want-j.c. chasez | ] |
had my chance, missed it.
went to the palms for the first time with katie, noel, adam, and margaret. i miss those girls. had fun. something katie was saying on the way home triggered a thought in my head... she was talking about if things were meant to be then they would happen. she was so easy-going about it... like how i used to be before i fell in love for the first time.
i love her, but at the same time i need to get on with my own life. and as katie pointed out tonight... if things are meant to be then they will happen, right? i think for now i am tired of fighting things and not getting anywhere. i leave my life to fate, i'm tired of trying to create my own.
and i decided to have it, party at my apartment on the 3rd. be there or be square. alan, margaret, michelle, noel, natasha and lorna are coming. as for myself, i hope to be wasted beyond belief. |
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| being lost being with her |
[Mar. 24th, 2004|04:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | running-no doubt | ] |
I loved you;
even now I may confess,
Some embers of my love their fire retain;
But do not let it cause you more distress,
I do not want to sadden you again.
Hopeless and tongue-tied, yet I loved you dearly,
With pangs the jealous and the timid know;
So tenderly I loved you, so sincerely,
I pray God grant another love you so.
Alexander Pushkin
Love is like the wild rose-briar,
Friendship like the holly-tree--
The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms
But which will bloom most constantly?
The wild rose-briar is sweet in spring,
Its summer blossoms scent the air;
Yet wait till winter comes again
And who will call the wild-briar fair?
Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now
And deck thee with the holly's sheen,
That when December blights thy brow
He still may leave thy garland green
Emily Bronte
I shot an arrow into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For, so swiftly it flew, the sight
Could not follow it in its flight.
I breathed a song into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For who has sight so keen and strong,
That it can follow the flight of song?
Long, long afterward, in an oak
I found the arrow, still unbroke;
And the song, from beginning to end,
I found again in the heart of a friend.
Henry Longfellow |
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| toxic |
[Mar. 24th, 2004|01:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | come to me-j.c. chasez | ] |
ok, when i start dreaming of jodie being large, having black hair, lorna single trying to help michelle find a gf, me trying to have michelle be with her soulmate, me hugging marlene while she rushes the stage to see a performer and gives me a tittie twister, and britney spear?!?!?! we are definetely in uncharted territory! |
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| shot at point blank |
[Mar. 24th, 2004|12:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | never be the same again-melanie c ft left eye | ] |
i love you, but just as a friend
i miss you, but only to hold
i care about you, but only to a point
i want you in my life because you're always there
i need you, but only as far as i let you go
after this week and the next i don't things will ever be the same again |
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| Too Far Gone... |
[Mar. 23rd, 2004|09:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | wishful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | damaged-tlc | ] |
Someday I will meet someone who I won't have to compete for, someday she will take care of me without reserve. This woman will have incredible strength and will help me through the hard times. She will stick by me through the worst and celebrate the best. An amazing love who will never be compared to another. I can look into her eyes and be certain of her love for me. No more empty words or broken promises. No more tears of sadness or heartache and pain. She will nurture my soul just as much as I nurture hers. She will have deep conversations with me and trust me throughout our bond. She will protect me from the sadness in life and the dangers that follow. She will make me laugh, make me cry, make me happy and I'll never wonder why. She will tell me everything there is to know, of her life, her past, her friends, her foes. She will be open and true, loyal and smart. Her nature will be of the heart. Her passion will run wild with joy, the gift of love shinning from her eyes. She will have a perfect smile with joyful hope. Her hair is long and straight. The eyes they left the weight of the world and her touch cannot be compared. She will keep my every secret, the wisper of every word. I can rely on her to be there at the drop of a hat. She can count on the same. This great happiness I wait for to hold and maintain. |
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| good lord |
[Mar. 23rd, 2004|06:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | come with me-j.c. chasez | ] |
so i just saw one hour photo and saw erin daniels coochie...
*drools*
she's so pretty.
anyway, we went to best buy today. it was fun getting my new dvd for only 12 bucks with michelle's discount. i saw many puppies at the mall and about 4 bichons. they were so cute. i started to move some stuff, fold my clothes and pack the systems. i hate moving things around. i'm just happy to have a new room that i will fnally keep clean. i hope to do many a things with it. i think i'm starting to move on with things... getting happier as the days go by.
"days go by and things get better"
it's a good healing process. finally getting stronger with things and letting it all go. there will be better things out of this i know. i'm waiting for her, but at the same time i will enjoy my life alone. gotten over a few other things which have made me happy, i want to start eating better and working out more. getting tone is my goal for this year alng with the hair growing out. hopefully by summer things wil be back to normal or better than before... i hope for the best. |
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| dribble not for the likes of you |
[Mar. 23rd, 2004|12:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | try again-aaliyah | ] |
so i talked to my mom and alex and we were discussing your power animals. sort of the animal that resembles you most and is in tune with your spirit. alex is a lot of things and my mother... well, i just think she's weird. i believe they have several... i went on to say that i love pandas and my mom looked at me funny like "that's not your animal?!" and i looked at her and said "i know, i'm a dog not a panda" and she smiled and said "yes" then she went on to compair us saying how i am always loyal to my loved ones, i have a "superman complex", how i only stay mad for a flash of a second and forgive in almost any situation, and that i love to just sleep, eat, play, and have fun. oi... i have to leave now before i get in trouble more later |
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| water |
[Mar. 23rd, 2004|08:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | water-melanie c | ] |
wow i just found 'water' by melanie c on kazaa and realized how much i played it when i was with natasha because now when i hear it the damn song reminds me of her, our engagement, and how we used to live together and be so happy... in love. |
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| Hmmm.... |
[Mar. 23rd, 2004|08:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | beneath my skin-linkin park | ] |
i've been mellowing out lately. a lot better than my week of depression. i'm kinda debating whether or not i should have this party on the 3rd. i want all my friends to be there, but at the same time i don't really feel like hosting anything anytime soon and i'm worried about the noise level that my friends would be bound to make. we don't have the lovely sound proof walls that natasha's apartment does. at the same time i want to have all my friends over so perhaps we can do a bbq of some sort. i could go buy beers and such and cook some ribs for people to eat. i guess i'm just really not in the partying mood. i dunno, i guess i'll know by this weekend. after all is said and done. aside from that issue things are going well. i've decided to give up on love for now and rely on more raw primitive feelings. i still feel it though even though natasha and i are not together, but for the time being i will just push those feelings of endearment aside. it's for the best. plus, i promised myself never to fall in love with my best friend ever again. |
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| "are you shopping for nikes?" |
[Mar. 22nd, 2004|08:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my band-D12 | ] |
today was really good. got to see my family, then hang out with lorna and michelle, bought a nike psa player, the hush comic i've been wanting, a cocktail shaker for the party, and was totally made fun of at best buy by rachel. haha aka "the hot manager" she is so family it's great. she reminds me a lot of katie only with blue eyes and blonde hair.. and the fact that she looks more like a baller than a raver.
Spoils!!! |
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| haha fuck |
[Mar. 21st, 2004|02:47 pm] |
Sun Mar. 21, 2004 by Astrocenter.com
The present astral configuration puts you into a class of your own. If it's possible for natural-born revolutionaries to go through their own revolution, then you certainly will, especially where your current relationship is concerned. After months of patient negotiation, and hanging out waiting for things to turn around, you finally decide to make the necessary changes yourself, and then wonder why it took you so long. |
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| i love the snow |
[Mar. 21st, 2004|01:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the last song-all-american rejects | ] |
You'd turn into a Snowleopard! Like a snowleopard
you are quiet, shy and not seen much and find
it hard to talk to people, but dont really mind
being by yourself. However once you have gotten
over your shyness and are relaxed you are so
different it can be scary! You have a few close
friends who can grasp your strange ways. You
are generally laid back but when you get angry
you get angry and can be very vicious and a
force to be recond with, though few people ever
see this.
What animal would you turn into?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck... |
[Mar. 21st, 2004|02:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | screwed up-ludacris | ] |
No matter how hard I try or what I do I always seem to either screw up or fail at keeping someone happy. So from now on I fucking give up, I don't give a shit anymore. You want me to please you... go fuck yourself sideways. Have a shitty day! |
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| the distance of just being out of reach is taking it's effect one me |
[Mar. 20th, 2004|05:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | never be the same again-melanie c ft. left eye | ] |
"Crying desperate, fighting questions, scared to let go."
Last night I could feel myself giving up. How emotionally tired I am, how I physically just can't take it anymore.
"But the days go by and things get better."
Everyday is a new challenge. A new struggle. It's supposed to make me stronger, but I only feel weak inside and out.
"I'm weary from the war, I'm losing half my soul."
I feel as though I'm losing myself in this. That I try to get myself out, but it's engulfing me like quicksand... the more I struggle, the more it pulls me under.
"Everything you want you just can't have it."
I feel bad for last night. Like she didn't want to or she was only like that to make me feel better. I know that it's probably not the case, but it's hard not to feel that way from everything that's been going on between us. From my perspective anyway.
"Don't you know that love's intoxicating and I need the abuse."
You bring out the best and the worst in me. I hang onto every word you say and every thought you share. I know you hate it, but I cannot help myself. It's funny how only a couple of words can end it all, one way or the other. I know you have choices to make so I go through it with you. Whether I get to have you in the end or not. |
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| she screams when i'm away |
[Mar. 19th, 2004|04:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | singing | ] |
| [ | music |
| | time stands still-all-american rejects | ] |
holy shit people, i know i'm single, but i cannot be with someone right now. haha. i'm so sick of hearing "hey, (inseret single name here) is single and she likes the butch ones." or some shit like that. i mean, i want to have that person in my life, but it's not something i'm going to force. natasha was right... i'm not ready to be commited right now.
last night i had a dream. it was weird. very weird. it was me getting married. to who???
...
melissa. i called natasha to do me a favor and be my maid of honor or best man or whatever. she flipped out. after i told her who i was getting married to she started to sound uneasy over the phone. then i ended up calling angel to invite her and she sounded sad, but told me how she was so happy for me. at the wedding everyone was there. michelle was next to me in a suit and lorna on the other side with her dress on. snowball was the last best man along with natasha up front. as soon as i got up to the front where the priest was i heard natasha telling me not to do this. that it was a mistake. then i looked over at angel and she looked at me with a sad face and shook her head no. i looked down the aisle and saw melissa walking. in a beautiful white dress with her parents on one side and mine on the other. the music started and the flowers were being thrown and i woke up.
lately i've been having these old feelings. it's strange. like old love out of no where, thoughts of the times we once had together, or old times with friends that no longer exist, sad times at mater dei or edison, good times with my basketball teams, lots of old experiences. i have this feeling that melissa is thinking about me again... especially with the issue of gay marriage on the rise how could she not? i'm a little tempted to call her and see how she is, but i know when the time is right she will get in contact with me, lord knows she has my number. other things too, perhaps it's like my escape. the good feelings i once had are trying to replace the bad ones i harbor now. i've been so depressed lately i can't help myself. angel offered me to move with her to vegas... the offer was so tempting it was hard to say no. seeing as i just signed a 6 month contract and have all my work down here. she said she would help me find another job... well, i have 6 months to think about it. although by summer i highly doubt i will be thinking the same. i told my mom about the feeling of meeting that someone in the summer. she looked at me a little surprised and said ok. i asked her why she had that look on her face and she said nothing. she kinda laughed too, but wouldn't tell me why. she's crazy i tell you.
*sigh*
more than anything right now... i need patience |
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| make ya move mama |
[Mar. 17th, 2004|02:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 100 ways-j.c. chasez | ] |
i am soooooooooo tired. i need to lose some lbs before the summer.
"Being lost, being with her."
i am going to start taking the time to work out a couple of things. mainly on my body, the psychological stuff i think is already at an end to coming around... at least for a little while untill my next lesson. like my moms always said "To be spiritual you have to repsect your body because it is the vessel that carries you through this lifetime." i should start on that a.s.a.p. considering all the alcohol i've been consuming lately. i'm gonna stop till our house warming on the 3rd cuz i know i made some promises to get some people drunk that night. other then that i am going to try my damnest to lay off.
the talk with her last night was good. it made me feel a lot better about things and helps me kinda move on with my life... well, the life i lead with her. i need to start meditating again... i need to start working out. not just at the gym, but playing some pick up games and a little bit of tennis. |
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| they come up to me like they wanna hold hands |
[Mar. 17th, 2004|12:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | shitty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my band-D12 | ] |
today has just been one of the most emotional days of my life. not only with one person, but almost everyone i know. the only good part about today was finding the perfect board shorts and the perfect pair of sandles. they look like the ones avy lost a couple summers ago, only white... not some off green color. i have been so bitch to natasha today and it was out of nowhere, well... not really out of nowhere, but close enough. i guess all the questions, emotions, hurt, and uncertainties just came out today. i had a nice long talk with her though... one that i haven't had with her in a while. it's hard hearing her refer to me as her friend. it's hard because i still hug and kiss her as more. she's right though, about everything. something i never thought i would admit to, but it's true. i shouldn't worry so much about us, she shouldn't either. she has so much faith in us, hearing her words i wanted to cry even harder. so much confidence when she says those things. i only wish i could say the same thing with such vigor. then again i reassure her with my love everyday letting her know i'm there just as she needs me. i've been dying inside... this alcohol, the coke, the foods i toxicate myself with... it's all tearing me apart. i realized how much i have given up on life, on love, on people. i tried cleaning out my car... my mom always said your room and the way you keep things around you reflect how you are in your mind. my room is all cluttered right now, but i thought i would start with the car. seeing as i spend more time in it then my room. but since i have cleaned it out things have just seemed to get more complicated. i hurt so bad inside it's starting to physically show. in my face, in my body, the way i act or hide. so i take the next step, one suggested by my mother and i plan to fast for the next two or three days with only fruits and water. hopefully that will help me as well. i feel as though after i move everything into the new apartment it will all start to turn around. i am determined to get my life in order even if it means starting all over again from scratch. minus a few things like snowball and such. i need to work out tomorrow, i tried on this bikini top and just got really grossed out at my body. my new goal aside from the really really big one is to lose at least 15lbs before the summer. that way i can go to the beach without worring so much. ugh. can someone please shoot me and put me out of all my miseries?!?! |
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